56 herbs and spices

As everyone knows there are 56 wonderful, life-giving and succulent herbs and spices in Jager. Several of them have been known to cure cancer in goldfish and tennis elbow in geese, one of them is a mild antiseptic, another is an effective sunscreen and number 12 will totally prevent baldness while at the same time protecting you against goblins. There's no real point to that, I just thought I'd let you know, public service blogging and all that!

So, on to the non-McDonald's based meat of today's post. I miss McDonald's. I know it's bad for you, I know they make it out of eyeballs and arseholes, but it's just so good, and convenient, and cost-effective, and just round the corner from the pub. However, once I made it past the "where does other food come from" problem I have been feeling better without Ron, and Higgins has apparently lost weight.

In case you're wondering where other food comes from, it's simple. It comes from the fridge. And how does it get there I hear you ask, well, teams of wandering minstrels distribute small, folded pieces of paper with pictures of food and mysterious numbers on them (the bits of paper, not the minstrels). You'll generally find these bits of paper on your doorstep, under the door, or occasionally in you letterbox. As soon as you see one, grab it and bung it in the fridge before it spoils. Careful storage of food is essential to preventing illness (although numbers 14-19 inclusive help with that as well, and number 47 will make you better if you weren't quick enough).

Once you've unravelled the puzzle of the numbers, you simply type them into the speak-to-other-people-who-aren't-in-the-same-room-as-you device and describe the picture of the food you want to eat to the nice lady whose voice emerges from aforementioned remote communication thingy. Just a few short minutes later a media studies graduate on a scooter arrives with very nearly what you asked for, no change and a surly attitude. Genius!

Other things often found in the fridge include chilli sauce and beer. Under the fridge you can find the freezer, that's where Jager comes from. It's a bottomless source of pleasure right there in the kitchen...

I have been taking advantage of the never ending nature of "fridge food" since we started the bet 9 days ago, but I'm sad to report I haven't lost weight. I must be doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what. Perhaps there's too little cheese and fried stuff in my diet now I've left Ron?

Tonight won't help that though, it's off to the white collar boxing to support Clayts' spastic left hand in his fight to the death. The tickets aren't cheap, and we have to get dressed up James Bond style, so I'm thinking rubbery chicken and veg that's been on the boil since last Tuesday but will somehow still be cold. Very little chance of fried anything.

That's all for now folks, busy day today. I have to find a tie and a shirt, and lose 10 pounds in the next five hours, so I think I'll start with a nap...