Bad maths and crap weather

I really want a burger

Now I've got that out of the way, we can continue... It seems I completely arsed up my calculation of when the bet will end. The original rules stated kick off of the first game of the Rugby World Cup, which I have been saying for weeks is 1530 Singapore time on Friday 9th September. The problem is, that isn't true, it's 1630... That's an entire extra hour to wait...

I really want a burger

I'm currently stuck in Washington Dulles airport being delayed by a little bit of pissy rain and some lightening. Seems these folks are afraid of more or less everything and won't even let the people off the arriving flight at the moment. We're already delayed by 90 minutes, which is bad enough, but even worse is the fact that for this flight to be delayed long enough for me to be on the ground somewhere in just under 12 hours, to legally enjoy a burger or seven, I'll have missed my connection to Singapore and will miss England's opening game in RWC 2011!

I really want a burger

That hurts.

I really want a burger

So, there isn't really much I can do. The flight keeps getting delayed for 15 minutes at a time so I'm filling my time by speed walking to the smoking room and back, but that's getting a bit repetitive. I might try speed drinking a beer during the next 15 minute delay.

I really want a burger

My three and a half hour stop in LAX (don't ask why I'm flying home that way, I got fed up of doing the travel office's job for them so gave in) is now down to under two hours and with all the security I'm getting concerned that I won't get sufficient lounge time to fully lubricate myself before the 18 hour hop back to Singapore.

I really want a burger

Bring on RWC 2011, bring on the burgers, come on England!

What next?

It's been a while since I last posted, and a lot of things have happened. But I can't remember most of them, so I'll just jot down what I can remember...

I've spent most of the time since the last post in the US, so there's plenty of fun to be had, but unfortunately there is also a McD's, KFC or Burger King every 2 yards, or so it seems. The dreams about cheating have returned, and they are much stronger than last time.

I spent several mornings last week searching my hotel room for wrappers or other evidence I had cheated. Dreams can be very strong, so strong that you can feel, hear, see, touch, and most importantly to me, taste things while in a dream. You'd think that my dreams would concentrate on the burgers, but no, it's all been fries! I suppose because I've eaten the burgers too quickly for dream-Jim to keep up.

I too have dropped a few pounds through a combination of salad, the gym and not replacing my regular post-pub burger festivals with anything! That seems to have worked, which is a good thing because I've signed up for a half marathon in October and a full marathon in December. There needs to be significantly less Jimbo by the time the half marathon on October 16th rocks around.

So, the there or four of you watching this blog will know that the end date was originally defined as the start of the first match of the Rugby World Cup, which is 1530 Singapore time on Friday 9th September. Should I continue to avoid burgers and their tasty friends after that date and so increase my chances of making it round the marathon course? Should I resume eating the meat-based goodness, but at a greatly reduced rate? Should I just go back to how things were? Well, all those questions are going to have to wait until I get the answer to this one -will Singapore airlines warm me up a burger at 35, 000 feet?

That's right, as the bet ends I will be somewhere over the Pacific where not even McDelivery can reach me. Bad planning Jim. I take off about six hours before the bet ends and don't land until around 12 hours after (very long flight). Answers on a postcard please!

There have been other developments since I last posted. I have become involved in yet another bet/challenge called The Indian Barber. This one is pretty simple, just don't cut your hair for around four months and then give a barber in Little India complete control over what he then does with your flowing locks. It should be intersting.

But maybe not as interesting as I made last Saturday night for a happy wedding couple in San Mateo, California. I was minding my own business in the hotel bar when I noticed a large group of people about my age drinking and smoking. As these are two of my favourite pastimes I wandered over and introduced myself. Being English in America meant I was sure of a warm welcome and was soon introduced to the mother of the bride. Who I gave a shot to. And then the bride. Who I gave a couple of shots to. And then some other people. Who bought me lots of shots. By the end of the night a few people had slipped off to be quietly unconscious somewhere, but I had seven invites to the wedding to be held the next day in a big fancy country club. I thought it best if I did the bride the honour of NOT attending :-)

This may well be the last post before the expiration of the bet, so here's a hearty congratulations to all my fellow competitors, assuming they didn't abandon the rules as soon as I left the country, and stay tuned for news of The Indian Barber, the half marathon and the full marathon, and anything else that takes my fancy.

There will definitely be a very long and detailed post about my first trip to the Golden Arches of Joy!

Temptation

This weekend could have gone so horribly wrong for my performance in this bet, but it didn't. And no thanks to two non-bet mates who tried to go out of their way to rub my face in tasty burger juice. Thanks boys, you know who you are!


These two jokers decided that sat in the pub having a quite warm up drink before the boxing on Saturday was the perfect time to start a conversation about the merits of McD's and just how satisfying it was at any time of the day. That morning's breakfast for example, or for a late lunch before hitting out on a big Saturday night! That's right folks, at least one of these buggers was willing to wander round the corner and return only moments later with a steaming bag of cheeseburgers. That might seem a bit excessive to some of you reading this, but you're probably the ones who haven't seen me disappear for five minutes and come back with 20 cheeseburgers in a bag and feed the pub, and a few random strangers who just happen to be walking past at the happy moment.


I was pretty confident I could take the pressure, but I wasn't looking forward to it. Luck was on my side and a shiny object or a flashing light object distracted this hilarious fool for long enough for him to forget what he was talking about. I was in the clear, but not for long.


Around half an hour later, and some very interesting shots courtesy of two American girls who seemed to be able to just wander behind the bar and concoct whatever diabolical construction came to mind, the temptation returned. This time it was the other one, the other half of the pair that was going to test me.

We got in a cab and just about to drive off when the other guy opened the door and said "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get some fries". That could easily have been the end for me, but again I got away with it. Purely because we were on our way to dinner... Five minutes drive away... That's the kind of thing I would have done only ten short days ago (but I would have got burgers).


I was home before the breakfast menu kicked in (just) so that wonderful, and usually very rare moment where you realize "I'm awake and McD's is serving breakfast" never arose. That moment is for me, as I'm sure it is for you, comparable only to "Jessica Alba is in the pub next door and her clothes fell of" when it comes to how fast I can propel myself under my own motive power.


The normal pizza and sofa Sunday followed and here we are on Monday!


One final note on my positive reaction to the tastes of my mates reading this blog, and whatever robots and fat hairy dudes in their mum's basement have also found it between bouts of World of Warcraft and ordering tasteful gentleman's 'companions' from Japan (guaranteed puncture-proof), fully 47% of visits to this blog have been from Apple devices and only 44% from Windoze :-)


Well done folks, keep up the good work.

56 herbs and spices

As everyone knows there are 56 wonderful, life-giving and succulent herbs and spices in Jager. Several of them have been known to cure cancer in goldfish and tennis elbow in geese, one of them is a mild antiseptic, another is an effective sunscreen and number 12 will totally prevent baldness while at the same time protecting you against goblins. There's no real point to that, I just thought I'd let you know, public service blogging and all that!

So, on to the non-McDonald's based meat of today's post. I miss McDonald's. I know it's bad for you, I know they make it out of eyeballs and arseholes, but it's just so good, and convenient, and cost-effective, and just round the corner from the pub. However, once I made it past the "where does other food come from" problem I have been feeling better without Ron, and Higgins has apparently lost weight.

In case you're wondering where other food comes from, it's simple. It comes from the fridge. And how does it get there I hear you ask, well, teams of wandering minstrels distribute small, folded pieces of paper with pictures of food and mysterious numbers on them (the bits of paper, not the minstrels). You'll generally find these bits of paper on your doorstep, under the door, or occasionally in you letterbox. As soon as you see one, grab it and bung it in the fridge before it spoils. Careful storage of food is essential to preventing illness (although numbers 14-19 inclusive help with that as well, and number 47 will make you better if you weren't quick enough).

Once you've unravelled the puzzle of the numbers, you simply type them into the speak-to-other-people-who-aren't-in-the-same-room-as-you device and describe the picture of the food you want to eat to the nice lady whose voice emerges from aforementioned remote communication thingy. Just a few short minutes later a media studies graduate on a scooter arrives with very nearly what you asked for, no change and a surly attitude. Genius!

Other things often found in the fridge include chilli sauce and beer. Under the fridge you can find the freezer, that's where Jager comes from. It's a bottomless source of pleasure right there in the kitchen...

I have been taking advantage of the never ending nature of "fridge food" since we started the bet 9 days ago, but I'm sad to report I haven't lost weight. I must be doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what. Perhaps there's too little cheese and fried stuff in my diet now I've left Ron?

Tonight won't help that though, it's off to the white collar boxing to support Clayts' spastic left hand in his fight to the death. The tickets aren't cheap, and we have to get dressed up James Bond style, so I'm thinking rubbery chicken and veg that's been on the boil since last Tuesday but will somehow still be cold. Very little chance of fried anything.

That's all for now folks, busy day today. I have to find a tie and a shirt, and lose 10 pounds in the next five hours, so I think I'll start with a nap...

Coop 'n' Turf

Sandwiches have a bit of a reputation as a convenience food, not something you'd serve at a dinner party and only classy when served in triangles with the crusts cut off. But I wholeheartedly disagree. Sandwiches are one of the greatest culinary achievements, and come in many forms. From the aforementioned crustless egg and cress right through to the core of the sun, molten rock, burn you alive from the inside baked bean toastie there is something for everyone in the sandwich realm.

Italy may have pizza and pasta, Japan has sushi and sashimi, India has curry and food poisoning but what is the greatest food to come out of America? The sandwich of course! The Americans have taken the idea of "some stuff between two bits of bread" and gone all Jamie Oliver on that shit! There is pretty much nothing you can't get in sandwich form in the land of the free and the home of the lard arse. And they aint shy when it comes to filling a sandwich either (probably why they're so chunky). I have had some amazing sandwiches in my time, and most of them have been purchased in the US. A BBQ pork sandwich from almost anywhere in the US is at least half an hour's worth of bread-hunting pleasure (it can't be called a sandwich if there's no bread, there must be some bread here somewhere...), but the real reason for going so much about sandwiches is to relate to you two sandwich recipes guaranteed to have you drooling all over your keyboard.

Firstly the Frank Skinner: I heard Frank describe this on the radio once and I immediately made one to see if it truly was as spectacular as it sounded. I made a couple of additions to the orignal recipe, but the core of the Frank Skinner remains true.

You start with the bread, which is a pretty obvious first step, but then things get all experimental. The first real ingredient is a meat and potato pie, then a Birds Eye potato waffle, three slices of cheese and finally a fried egg and some HP sauce to top it off. It's a little bit difficult to eat, and does your cardiovascular system no favours at all, but a great snack for weekend afternoons.

Now, the titular sandwich, the Coop 'n' Turf - a Higgins original: Unfortunately this goes against the rules of the bet so I can't have one until the world cup starts :-(

For the Coop 'n' Turf you will require 1 Big Mac Meal and a McChicken, or, and this is entirely up to you, 1 McChicken Meal and a Big Mac. Take the lid off the Bg Mac and place to one side, we'll use that later. Then take the bottom off the McChicken and place with the top of the Big Mac. You now have a topless Big Mac and a bottomless McChicken, so do the only decent thing and combine them into one giant McChicken Mac! But wait, we're not finished yet, there's a bonus. Take the bread we put to one side earlier and the chips from the meal and make yourself a chip butty as a reward. Adding sauces or gravy is optional and depends on what is available at your local McD's.

You can perform this magic with other combinations as well. Substitute a McSpicy for the McChicken as long as you aren't of a delicate disposition, or, if you time it just right, you could use a sausage and egg McMuffin instead of the McChicken. I'd like to say the choices are endless, but they're not - you're limited by needing to find two burgers with different meats,. If you tried this with two hamburgers you'd just have a double hamburger. There's nothing wrong with that, it's right there on the menu as a valid selection, but we're talking about making things that aren't on the menu here... Kind of like ordering off the Secret Menu at In-N-Out!

Anyway, it's day 5 today and everyone is still winning Charlie Sheen style, so bring on the weekend!

Day 3 - Surprises

It's day 3 and things are still going strong, and there have been a couple of surprising developments.

Firstly due to the core element of the bet, no McDs, I basically haven't eaten anything since Friday afternoon. But, Sunday is pizza and sofa day in Jimbo-land and the chap on his bike is on the way as I type. That, and the fridge full of Stella, should keep me going for a while.

The second major surprise is that my flat is still relatively tidy 2 days after the cleaner has been. Usually by this time on a Sunday there are the remains of several trips to the Golden Arches spread around the place, but not today! The downside of that is there is very little chance of me finding a bonus double cheeseburger under the coffee table.

Also, this little experiment seems to be turning me into a nicer person. I had originally planned to play a little trick on one of the other competitors today by filling her house with sweeties while she was out, but new (malnourished and quite weak) Jim doesn't play dirty! Well, maybe a little bit... Here's a nice picture of just one of the things Jacx isn't allowed for the next few weeks :-)

There's probably not going to be much news for a few days, even in my pre-bet days I could usually stay away from the junk food Monday to Wednesday each week. 

More from Life Without Ron later in the week.

Day 2...

So, it seems the entire world knows about this bet, and nobody thinks we can do it. Oh ye of little faith. I will be strong! I won't be defeated by a giant ginger dude in his PJs, even if he does have tasty, tasty burgers. 


As predicted Friday without McDonald's was pretty scary. But not as scary as when I got home! I have been dreaming about the Golden Arches of Joy, they're haunting me. Memories of McDonald's past have been swooping through my mind all night. Some of my favourite McD's adventures have been flashing before my eyes... The time we got refused at the drive thru McD's in Maitland (Oz) because we didn't have a car... The time I drove from Newcastle to the south of France, and back again, powered only by McD's (le Big Mac et grand frites please Pierre) and crap French beer... Waking up in a hotel room in Bangkok with 12 Big Mac meals and an unconscious Johnny Walker and no memory of how they or I got there... Good times!


Last night wasn't actually too bad. I never strayed more than 50 yards from Ron's place, so I was in my comfort zone, but I never went inside. Niamh at Mogambo's had some nuggets and I did stand around drinking in the smell for a couple of minutes (I actually detected their presence from Molly's and was out the door and across the street before I knew what was happening), but I didn't touch them and definitely didn't eat any.


Again breakfast is a little troubling this morning, no left over burgers and warm coke means I'm just sat here wondering what on earth to do with myself. Luckily for me those nice chaps at Pac Bev have just delivered two cases of Stella and two bottles of Jager, I'm sure I'll be able to come up with a cunning plan after I've done the mandatory quality control tests on those...



More news from Life Without Ron soon...